Today is the 24th of July, it is my grandma's 83rd birthday and also the day after her passing.
Many, many things happened that lead this day to be like this. She had breast cancer that was found already in a quite advanced stage and she had to do a very rough treatment. All went well, but the recovery was very harsh and about two months after the end of the treatment she became ill and was hospitalized.
I went there to see her twice, as I said in my last post. I was struggling heavly with the situation of my grandma and also having to take care of my grandpa and support my uncle. My family is very supportive and also very close, so it's natural that I wanted to be there for them, since she was the one that took care of all the housework, also my uncle is a very dysfunctional adult in that he doesn't know how to wash his clothes or use a coffee machine.
I love my grandma, she's the person who saw me growing up every day of my life and was there to teach me about life. She'd always bring me fruits to eat, stuff to read and we would pass the time together playing dominos or chess (even tho she used to say she was too dumb to learn chess properly, but i'd always encourage her to at least try). She loved to pass the time doing crosswords and I would sit beside her to help through the answers she didn't know.
She taught me how to bake, how to make ice cream and her lovely chicken pie. I'd always be there to grab a piece of whatever she was cooking. We had a habit of cooking everyone's favorite dish on their birthdays and she would always nail mine, every single time. She was just an amazing cook overall. I hate beans, but i'd always eat it when she was the one cooking because her cooking just brings me so much joy.
I would always tail her and be around her while she was doing housework. She used to say I was like her little shadow in that I went everywhere she went. I just loved her company.
Every afternoon we had a coffee break together and every morning that I had the chance I would sneak up her house to have a morning coffee together with her.
I have so, so, so many good memories with my grandma. She was trully like a second mother to me.
It was devastating to see how she was suffering at the hospital. In the days before her passing I was hesitant to go see her, just because I didn't want to see the woman I love so much in so much distress, but I wanted to be there for her at the same time. I was struggling internally, so I brought up the topic to my therapist that helped me unbottle those feelings.
On the wednesday it was my uncle's birthday, my brother had told me the day before "go see your grandma at the hospital" and I wanted to, but the visitations are just one person at a time, so there was a long line of people ahead of me, so much so that I couldn't see her monday nor tuesday. At the wednesday I was honestly not in the right mind to deal with that struggle from before, so I opted to wait till thursday.
When thursday rolled around, I had my therapist appointment and I told her about how I was feeling. We discussed the situation for a bit and she gave me the idea to write my grandma a letter telling her all the things I really wanted her to know. Since her birthday was coming up I thought it would be a great gift for her, so I began writing it and I was crying so much I had to take breaks to not wet the paper with the tears rolling down my face.
After a while I signed it and I was so broken that I couldn't even collect myself in front of my therapist. I put the letter in my backpack and after the session ended I brought it home. I asked my father when I could go see grandma and he said "about 7:30pm when I'll go there with your grandpa", so I waited.
When it was 7pm my father vanished. I was looking for him everywhere and my mother said he went to the hospital. I was pretty upset he went without me since I was so anxious to give her my letter for her birthday.
After 10 minutes or so, my father calls and says she has passed that afternoon.
It was pretty rough hearing the news, specially when I was so close to finally get to see her again. I was feeling so down. My father had to arrange her burial quickly and it was set for today at 11am, so I went to sleep (a lot later than usual) and woke up about 7am to get ready to see her.
I met a lot of family and extended family members there, some of the friends of my father and uncle, some of her sisters, my grandpa's sisters, some cousins and my grandparends from the other side of the family. I cried a lot there. It was really hard to face her in her coffin, it was like seeing a wax doll with her face, it didn't feel real at all at the time.
I finally got to deliver her letter. I read it one last time (sobbing) and then I put it beside her for it to be buried alongside all her stuff. I hope she likes it, and it doesn't bother me that much if she can't read it because she was with me when I wrote. She's always with me.
I remember sitting there and just being very contemplative of the world around me. I thought about a world where everyone can stand on their own two feet and yet be so dependent. At the time I was thinking this, one of my aunties rolled around in her wheelchair, I thought it was funny.
Then I saw a family of birds out the window. Then I saw my newborn cousing being held at the other side of the parlor. Life has many aspects and nuances to it.
I gave my grandma a last kiss on her forehead and we then carried her coffin to the family burial place. The whole trip there felt surreal. It was the greyest rainy day ever. Seeing the people in the streets felt weird. I thought about how every single person there would one day have the same things being done for them in one form or another. I kinda wished the would stop entirely to mourn my grandma, but at the same time, I was glad everything still kept being the same.
We buried her, then I placed a vase of little yellow flowers atop her grave.
Yellow is my favorite color, and I think they fit her a lot.
( Yellow flowers on her grave )I held my grandpa's hand all the way home. I ate a bunch cuz I was starving and then I slept for like 4 hours.
When I woke up, the world felt weird again. It was like it was all a dream and I would just walk up to the laundry and just see her there folding clothes and singing like she always did.
My dog had some problems too today, so my brother took him to the vet. Turns out he need surgery, but he should be fine. I'm taking care of him.
I played some games, chatted with friends and now I'm writing about this stuff to get my head in the right place.
It's hard. One of the hardest things I've ever went through in my life. These are supposed to get easier with time but I just miss her a lot and that's never going away. I feel bad when I think that I will probably have to remember my grandma for longer than I knew her, I feel jealous of my father and my brother that had the opportunity to know this incredible woman for way longer than I could. I just love her so much and I'm tearing up just thinking about how I wish I could give her a hug again.
I just know that even with her gone, memories are still here and her chapter of my life is really far from ended, I just can't help but feel this overwhelming sadness in my heart.
I love you so so much. Thank you for always being there with me and for still being part of me even while you are gone. You always had so much to say about your grandchild, so I'll try my best to be the person you always wanted me to be.
There's so much I wish I could tell you, even that one letter is not enough, so if I had to choose just one thing to say to you on this day it would be:
Happy Birthday Jura!
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