kira kira

There are feelings that are so elusive they are exempt from the privilleges of being known by a name. Much in the same manner, there are feelings that some languages fail to capture, while others dedicate a significant space on the collective counciousness just to register it's existance. I find it fascinating to study about feelings that doesn't exist, and even more interesting is to experience an entire new feeling. Is it really new? Is it a mixture concocted by the particularities of your mind at that exact time and place? No matter, feelings are hard to describe. Feelings aren't euclidian concepts, you can feel cozy, sorrowful, pungent and a deep sense of agony all at the same time.

There's a distinct feeling uncaptured by language, that of waking up, pacing about like you expect something to go wrong. Open your doors and windows with a deep, overwhelming fright, expecting to be punished, to be mauled by something foreign to you, yet, nothing happens. You feel the brew of things inside you warn that something wrong is going to happen, but everything is fine. You know you deserve what's about to happen, and you know it will happen, yet you stand unharmed at a silent, barren land; No calm, no storm. You can only hope that the inevitable doesn't happen, and you begin to convince yourself it might not, because you don't deserve this and never will. Yet, it does happen. All of a sudden you feel the weight crushing you, you feel your body getting mauled by everything you thought you saw before. It's as horrible as you imagined, but you feel vindicated, you feel right for about the only time since this has begun. So you feel comfort in your demise, no more anxiety, paranoia, sorrowful days and nights. It's the vindication of being freed from your crippling anxiety driven mania.

Now, I don't like that feeling at all. Yet, it's fascinating that something so specific can become it's own concept.

Saudade it's when the bittersweetness of missing and profoundly longing something is mixed with the happiness of the memory itself in a way that makes you nostalgic and incomplete. Schadenfreude it's feeling happiness at someone's demise, it's called "Mono no Aware" when you get to glimpse and feel awe at the beauty of the ephemeral. The call of the void is the dark side of your mind that yells "jump!" when you look over a ledge, and Hygge is the cozyness of a day with friends, blankets, warming fires and happiness unbound.

Some feelings are hard to put into words, so what do we do? We make them a word. Longing for a place you've never been is called Fernweh, while feeling nostalgia for something you've never lived is Anemoia. A Deja Vu is feeling something foreign as oddly familliar, while a Jamais Vu is just about the opposite. Feelings can be as abstract as the sorrow carried throught a generation, expressed as Han, or as specific as a Kalsarikännit. No feeling is individual, no experience is unique and that's why humans can relate.

People who lack empathy could never understand a feeling they've never personally felt and could never hope to understand what Yūgen means. Sometimes I feel like I feel too much, but feelings are beautiful and are the building blocks of humanity. Humans are little more than sorrowful rocks made of unresolved trauma and lots and lots of hope at the face of an uncaring and un-nurturing universe. Discover feelings, create words, don't be bound by what you are taught. Feel something no one has ever felt, and then find out some unemployed teenager describing precisely that feeling in a tumblr post. Learn how to feel; Life's too hard for uncaring bastards and for those blank faced emotionally detached youthful adults who are "too sharp" to wrap themselves around. Be chronically unhinged, be dramatic, be sensual and indecent, maybe you'll might end up being happy.

but yeah what do I know.

Craving something you don't like is the paragon of mediocrity.

I'm so stuck between yearning and finding meaning in the little things that I do that sometimes I forget how to look forward, how to derive importance from the simple act of existing, how to treat and greet someone memorable to me.

Sometimes my troubles feel abstract even to myself, I can't compose a rhyme about the aches of my beating heart without falling victim to my own shortcomings once again. It's troubling, but somehow it feels oddly familliar.

So I try my best and I rise like a zombie from my bed everyday trying again and again to fall into the loop that keeps me awake so I don't dare to sleep on the job once more.

The forest feels endless and this hike is taking forever. I now see the last chamber already, and there in the corner stands the trap that I must run into, because someone told me my works remind them of Kafka and good luck beating that compliment.

My dreams are starting to feel opaque and  seamless, just as I was starting to fall on the gaps to find the wrongs in every right I make, now it's homogenous and weird, feeling this alien darkness snatching my book of ideas every time I try opening it up it's weird.

I like to chew on ice when I feel confused, but spending time with friends does a better job of soothing a turbulent mind.

My lungs feel weak.

Did you know that an inverted Delta is called a Nabla?

I'm a worthless piece of trash sometimes.

So... First post of the year, which is weird, because I promissed to post something at the new year's eve but my PC broke again. This time I had to swtich my motherboard. Along with having little to do in the meantime where my pc was getting fixed, I also had to work on-site so I can get money to fix it.

Honestly, I like working on-site. I like my coworkers, I like talking to people, but I'm feeling down lately for a buch of reasons.

First, the time I lost at which I could be working on my game project. I was planing to work on it in my free time but without PC I could only do some prep-work (and I didn't do shit honestly). Now I don't know how much time I have before I have to go back to uni.

Second, I had an online friend that I loved talking to, but she got a little upset at my absence (for like, not having a pc) and we aren't talking much. I feel like I fucked up but I did everything I could.

Third reason is gonna be omitted from this post because I don't want to humiliate myself any further.

Today I had a very rough day at work, I feel like I took the blame for a lot of stuff that wasn't really my fault and a lot of times it was rubbed in that I fucked up in a way or another. Then as I was gazing at the grey skies and the moving streets, someone from the office brought in a fucking dead coral snake.

Yes, I'm superstitious to no end. At the new year celebration I saw a moth hanging from the wall. Moths are omens of death, and since last year I was saying how worried I was about the well being of my grandma and my dog. So I took that as confirmation of what I was already thinking was gonna happen in this year. Now, death doesn't mean just physically dying, but I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be encountering a lot of deaths this year.

So, on that vein. Coral snakes are a very symbolic animal for me. They mean a lot and the odds of someone bringing a dead coral snake to my workplace while I was having a bad day at work are something to consider.

Anyway, I met someone who reminds me a lot of those bad past friendships and relationships, but like, in a before everything went bad kind of way. I like them a lot, honestly.

Something made me a bit mad today. I saw an ad where someone talked about how "Chat GPT works best with detailed prompts!!" and proceeded to say "but I hate typing them" and I sat there thinking to myself: Do people really think this is a normal line of thought? Then he proceeded to pitch his lame voice-to-text AI prompt writer justifying it by "I think best when I'm walking so I can use it to think of better prompts!!!". My brother in christ, if you can think better when you are walking, why do you even need the fucking thing to think for you in the first place.

Generative AI is the rotten apple that entices limited minds. People are using AI to fucking talk. They are using gen AI to come up with conversational topics with their boss. If you think this is normal then I can't imagine what it is like inside your mind. How can you be so dependent on a fucking glorified calculator. If all text gen AI died tomorrow a non-insignificant amount of people would simply just lose their jobs.

I'm not even that mad. It's just sad and disappointing, a bit dystopic too. I can stand gen AI when it's text generation because it's a niche that has never been fulfilled up until now, tho I absolutely draw the line at image and video generation and I don't think those should exist at all. You can't really give a single use case for those that is not scummy and don't cross any moral boundaries. Plus, I think the average user has absolutely, literally zero justifiable uses for image and video generation, that is unless you consider feeding your dead grandma photos to the singularity for it to animate her loving memory like a corpse puppet a justifiable use case.

I said I can stand text based gen AI, not that I like it entirely. Sure it's okay to use it but it has become many people's crutches and that's a bit depressing to see. When you don't think for yourself and don't speak for yourself, how much of you is you and how much is the mathematical average of the collective conciousness regarding that topic? As for ambiental damage, I think that newer models have pretty much the same impact as a few google searches, so it's not THAT bad, but that only applies to text based gen AI. I'm sure the models will have lesser impact on the future but only until they reach the monetary threshold where it stops being profitable to come up with greener solutions.

AI is also nearing it's critical mass. It can't really grow that much beyond what it already does and there's no need for it to do so. Sure, videos will get more real and by consequence living on the internet will become more dangerous by the second, but what else can AI do that it can't now? It can already scrape your whole digital footprint and generate digital carbon copy of you.

Transhumanists are some the most delusional people on the planet. You may think this ideology is crazy and no one would support it but rich tech guys like the amazon daddy, big zuck and the starship manchild really think we can transcend humanity and become one with them machines. I think that's really, really delusional but they seem to think moving money to reach that goal will actually lead somewhere. Anyways, that's beside the point.

I wish for a future where AI generations are regulated, feeding other people's image to it is a severe crime and all things you post are encripted against scraper bots that try to steal your info. That being the pipe dream but I don't think we are close to it right now.

Dead internet theory is dumb, it's not even a theory, it's just redditors doomposting. I hate when people mention it because it just makes zero sense in a fundamental level. Creativity will trully never die, but it will be harder to come by as it is engulfed by the vast majority of cheap content. You have to dig ever deeper to find people who are genuinely set on creating amazing things and that's sad, but be glad these people still are and will always be around.

I tend to stay very far from politics and taking a stance on these kind of topics but I trust everyone that read this is a grown up. Feel free to disagree with what was said but I'm not extending this debate further because this is mostly a vent post and not what I tend to use my journal for.

don't even get me started on AI music.

( Doom Lost Wad )

( Easter Egg - Snow on Mt. Silver )

( Ben Drowned )

just realized that my picks here kinda suck and I don't remember what I was talking about when i started writing (a day ago). Maybe sometime I'll update this, just wanted to reminisce on some creepypastas I found as a kid. Anyways, that's about it for now.

I got a job interview and I had some things to say about it but I think I'll leave it for another time.

College is consuming every last bit of time I have, seriously I can't do anything.

I've got two coding projects due by day 6 and I just started one yesterday, I think I'm gonna explode.

That aside, I just got a room renovation and now my room is so comfy. I swapped my cold floor tiles with a wooden floor and its the best thing that ever happened in my life.

I always feel people around me are right but I can't ever seem to act on their advice.

Theres a poem churning inside me for the past month and I can't seem to spill it out no matter how hard I try.

My favorite color is yellow.

I am severely overworked with the new changes on my job's work hours.

College sucks ballz.

No I'm not human — is a great game.

I'm up to date with all my manga, no more binge reading.

I was criticized about my movie opinions — I'm not creating a letterboxd account.

I feel like I seriously need to grow up, but it's hard balancing "create discipline" with "stop being harsh on yourself".

DeviantArt sucks ballz.

My favorite tastes are sour and sweet.

I wish I'd wake up in genderman's forest and be forced to collect their pronouns or die.

I love my dead girlfriend's songs — it's a great band.

I don't feel I've contributed enough to my group project even if I'm usually the one doing all the work.

I want to archive all my old poems but I don't know where — I'm not creating a tumblr account.

I'll post this on the day before I wrote it.

I hate spicy food.

Why do I keep doing this to myself.

Saya no Uta kinda sucks i'm sorry, I like the concept but idk I just can't bring myself to like the whole thing.

I like many things that people consider pretty bad, and I know my trash, I have 100%ted every Danganronpa game and I can say confidently it sucks, but that's still too mainstream to consider radioactive waste.

I like many VNs but I think i'm past the time in my life where I can afford another time sink, so I mostly stick to stuff that genuinely interests me.

I tried Funger, I really like it, but god I hate playing the game. I'm no stranger to miserable experiences and survival horror and yet the game is just unfair and frustrating unless you cheese the hell out of it (something I do, usually), but it just doesn't click right. I don't have the second game so I can't say but I think the experience is infinitely better in every way (hope).

That said, Black Souls is a fucking banger absolute banger of a game I'm loving it. I had little to none expectations about the game and I was kinda expecting it to be ass given how weird some "aspects" of it are, but I was smacked in the face with the best RPG Maker combat I've ever experienced in any game. Crazy.

I hope to find more niche trash to eat soon.

I can't for the life of me understand any of the words you made me read when you callously highlighted a few paragraphs of my book. Every syllable you tried to get across my mind in your hedonistic pechant still haunt me to this very day. You forced me to be something I trully didn't wish to be.

Your decadent presence still looms over me, somehow. My mind mimics every wicked pleasure you tried to carve into my soul, as if the shadow of you still writes the script I must follow in your sybaritic play, though I still lack your finesse and the panache in which you toyed with aspects bigger than life.

Truth is, an overly sicophant mien is an illness that plagues every poorly structured relationship. The crafted joy is nothing more than paratreptic — reassuring comfort for the mind — that leaves so, so little for the heart.

Emsleyan Mimicry means one must show oneself as a gamble that hinges on life or death; The signs don't speak, they lie. You can't be afraid if you never survive the first encounter, and life from that point forward rests upon the parody of the self.

I wish to reach apotheosis for the soul, but never will I bend to the woes of Saturn.

Coral snakes in my yard, I cover myself in them.

If I die, I may never learn.