kira kira

Chapter 3: Envious devil

Another day began, another day revisiting memories. Victor woke to his mother's complaints at his bedroom door, as he would be late for therapy. Once again, he hadn't slept well, seeming a little anxious. After a while in bed, listening to his mother complain that therapy wasn't helping at all because he continued to act like a lazy and distracted teenager, Victor got irritated and got up. He changed quickly, without worrying too much about what he would wear. He opened the door and didn't have much time for his morning routine, as he was under a lot of pressure. He soon arrived at the psychologist's office, since he didn't spend much time in the waiting room. He was wearing a white shirt with a jacket, wide jeans, and his usual boots. Just a regular fit of a teenager like him. "Hello, Victor! How was your week?" the psychologist asked as soon as Victor entered the room. Kind as always, she opened her drawer and took out her clipboard for another day trying to understand the mind of a traumatized teenager. "It was a s-... not very good..." Victor replied, sounding a little impatient and about to say something else, but he held back and censored himself. "Oh, really? I'm sorry about that, but remember, we're still at the beginning of the path to try and change your life. And you're doing your part, just by waking up every week to be here, even if a little late this time." The psychologist said in a positive and calm tone, as Victor slowly walked to the chair and sat down, still feeling a little tired. "Yes... my part." "You seem a little tired... would you like to continue your story about you and Ethan? It was taking a very interesting turn, and I'm very curious to know more about this boy." "Huh... sure." "I... where did I leave off...? It wasn't when he... no, it wasn't! Definitely not..." "Well, let's see... Oh, I remember! You told me in the last session that you discovered Ethan had a secret hiding place he considered a "safe place." I bet you didn't just let it go and move on with your life, right? You seemed kind of happy talking about that place, as if it were a home of good memories. So, tell me... how were things after you discovered Ethan's "secret"?" "Oh, yeah! ... his safe place. Well... of course, you're right, I really didn't just let it go and move on with my life. I mean, the whole situation that happened that day... it was quite strange, but in a way that makes you curious. That motivates you to keep looking for more about that person. In fact... I was intrigued by Ethan. I had never met anyone like him, someone so... nonchalant to everything, and who seemed to keep so many secrets... so, of course, I wanted to see if I could find him again, just to prove to myself... that it was real, that it had really happened, that he really existed. I don't know... I was kinda paranoid back then..." Victor said, rather slowly. He seemed to be already drifting into his memories and showing nostalgia in a way that made it hard to tell if he was sad or happy. "Haha, I think that's fine. You were curious, it's understandable, it wasn't a situation you expected, I understand you. But... did you find Ethan again the next day?" "Well, yes, I had find him again the next day. That next day..." Victor said, as he began to delve into his memories, which he was still reluctant to touch upon, but was doing his best to remember and recount, beginning here with yet another flashback. "Victor Richard Shaw!!" The teacher shouted loudly. My blood ran cold. I wasn't doing anything wrong, I was just drawing. It was a drawing of Ethan. I was trying to see if my memory still held him well, and besides, that class was boring as hell, so I couldn't resist to pick up a piece of paper and draw whatever bullshit came to mind. ... I really thought he wouldn't notice me! Because I was sitting in the place of the badass ones (and rejected too...) section at the back. But when I heard my full name being shouted and saw that ugly, angry, wrinkled face coming towards me, I immediately hid my drawing under my desk and pretended to be paying attention in class. But it didn't work. "What did you hide there!?" he asked, pointing to the underside of my desk, causing the whole class's attention to turn to me. "I-I didn't hide anything! You must be confusing me with another student..." I said, trying to pretend I didn't know what he was talking about. Then he just pulled my drawing from under my desk and asked, "So what's this?!" I was so mad, there were several other students talking amongst themselves, so why was only MY drawing bothering him?! As if I really needed to know how to differentiate all the types of minerals. "It's an art project!" I said, but he didn't listen. He looked at my drawing and then at my face, disgusted. "Who is this? Your girlfriend, huh?!" he asked, mocking me and my drawing. "W-what! No, it's not! he's not even a girl, to begin with..." Then he looked at my drawing again and then at me with a confused expression. "Oh, I see! So, this is your boyfriend?! Haha!" When he asked that, the whole class started laughing at me, I got so embarrassed. "N-no!! I already said, it's just an art project!" I said, looking down, feeling humiliated. "Then you should have done it in art class! Now, why don't you tell the principal you skipped class to draw your little beloved boyfriend? I bet she'd love to see your "art," hah!" And he gave me back the drawing. At least I had it back... Then I went to the principal's office, still not believing I'd been sent there for nothing wrong. In the principal's office, I had to listen to more bullshit from her. She gave me a whole lecture about how wrong it was to skip classes and that I wouldn't have a future if I kept doing that. Like, I just made a quick doodle during class, why all the drama?! Was it because I skipped class previous day too? It wasn't my fault! *sigh* She was also one of those people you never know if they're there to work or argue with the students, because she was wasting all her time with me. Until I couldn't take it anymore and she said, "If you don't want to study, then just leave! The door is open!" And in a moment of impulse, I replied, "Fine! That's exactly what I'm doing." I got up, grabbed my backpack, and left the school. I was hotheaded... I wasn't thinking straight about what I was doing. I simply... lost what little desire I had to stay in class when my teacher said that. You know... about... Ethan... being my boyfriend. If he really was, would that be a bad thing?! I bet so... That's why the whole class laughed at me. A boy having even the slightest possibility of liking another boy in a different way is already bad enough, huh...? Anyway, after fresh my mind for a bit, I regretted what I did, because I knew that sooner or later my mother would know about it and I'd have to listen to more bullshit. But since I was already skiping school again, I thought: "If I'm going to get a scolding anyway... it's better worth it." So, of course, I, who couldn't get the Ethan situation out of my head, went to look for his hiding place. I didn't want to mess with his things or anything like that, I just wanted to take a better look. Because, despite looking a bit messy... I thought his little place was pretty cool. But... I kind of forgot he was a morning student, and at that time he wasn't at school anymore. So, when I went to his hiding place to take a peek I mean, I wasn't even going to go in, I was just looking from afar, but... he was there... and he noticed me. "Yo, what ur doing there? Trying to invade other's space? Heh." He asked me from inside of there. I got scared and then embarrassed, even though I could tell from his tone of voice that he wasn't mad or anything, but I didn't want him to get a bad impression of me. "Y-you're here!?" I asked, confused. "Yeah, I study in the morning.. Forgot, dumbass? Haha." "I-I'm sorry... I didn't mean to invade your hiding place! It's just... I just wanted to take a better look, because I thought it was pretty cool," I said, trying to justify myself. "And that's why you skipped class again?" "No! It wasn't... I left for other reasons..." "It's okay. I won't judge you, I do that sometimes too, hehe." After that, I stayed there among the bushes and trees for a while, awkward and unsure what to do. "And... ur gonna stay there or not? Want anything? More eye powder?" "No, I don't need anything... I just... you know, I can't go now, or my mom will find out I skipped class." "If you wanna stay here, then go ahead. It's no longer a secret to you." "Oh... can I really?" "Sure. Just don't mess with me, and we'll be fine." So I went there, now certain that it wasn't something from my imagination. It's just... it was so peaceful, I couldn't imagine such a peaceful place in that neighborhood. Which, despite me being new there, had until then proven to be a far from peaceful environment. And Ethan was there, lying on the ground, always in that big hoodie and baggy pants, and of course, his nonchalant face. "And... aren't you skateboarding today?" I asked, sitting on the ground, trying to start a conversation. I was still a little awkward, because Ethan and I weren't even friends yet; he was just a strange enough guy to catch my attention. "Not in the mood," he replied. "Huh... ok. ... can I ask why...?" I asked, a little worried and prepared that something had happened. "I was in physical education class and I was forced to participate. We were playing dodgeball, and of course those mfs took advantage of that to hurt me. So, my body is kinda tired now, but I'm fine, that's nothing," said Ethan, looking at the sky, seeming a little tired, but used to it. As if it were just another Tuesday (and it really was). "Damn... always the same thing. Why do those guys do this to you...?" I asked, feeling a little sorry for him. "I'm weak," he replied in the quickest and most casual tone possible. "But... that's still not a justification." "Course not. But I'm an easy target, they don't need justification, they simply choose the most vulnerable person they see to be their toy. That's how things are, the strongest take advantage of the weakest and the weakest succumb." "That's not fair..." "Life isn't fair, Victor. Not at all." I was somewhat shocked by those words... the world Ethan lived in was completely different from mine. Even if my day was bad, his was somehow 10 times worse than mine, every single day. And I couldn't do anything about it... "You know... I'm starting to realize that my school sucks too," I said, holding my knees and looking at the ground. "I imagined... welcome to the club, buddy," he said, not too surprised, since I'd already told him my school wasn't all that great. "I envy those rich kids who can skip class whenever they want, they're so spoiled and won't be a bunch of losers even if they don't do well in school," I said, feeling like I could rant about anything that was in my mind right there and Ethan wouldn't mind, but he gave me an answer I wasn't expecting. "Don't envy them, Victor. Envy those who, despite going through so much suffering, still manage to kick the mfs ass in the end, through sheer effort. Those are the ones I envy. I hate em. I'm an envious little devil; I know I envy people who deserve much more than I do because they had the courage to get stronger in every way. But at least I don't envy those who know that easy come, easy go, and still think that money will always keep them on top." "That's... something so honest, Victor. Although Ethan confessed that he feels something bad for people who have been in the same situation as him and managed to get out of it, he had the courage to say what many try to hide: our flaws. Envy is a bad feeling, for sure. It hurts ourselves, it hurts others, but it's part of human nature, whether we like it or not. So, don't be so hard on yourself for envying someone, Victor. At least you admitted something many can't." The psychologist said, while Victor remained in his chair, with an uncomfortable expression, just listening. "Maybe I admitted this in the past... but I haven't admitted many other things in the present yet," said Victor, looking somewhat embarrassed and vulnerable. "And you can recognize that. Congratulations. When you feel comfortable enough to share those things with me, feel free. You'll get there someday, I really believe in you," said the psychologist, finishing writing on her clipboard. "...We're not perfect, huh?" asked Victor. "No... not at all," said the psychologist, handing Victor a paper with the date and hour of his next session. "...Have a good day. I'm going now... I slept badly, I'm tired..." said Victor, taking the paper and getting up. "Okay. See you next week, Victor!" "I hope you have a good night tonight." "Thank you... I'll really need it," said Victor, as he slowly left the room, feeling somewhat strange. Ending there another day of therapy.