kiramori: (Albie_6)

I see it everyday.
The road of the dead.

It spans across the country, incountable miles upon miles of it;
Twisting, turning, falling through the valleys and soaring above the shattered land.

In it, insufferable wails of the dead create the restless blaring I hear in my moonless dreams;
It calls for me, it wants me. It yearns for my flesh and bones.

In it, I can never see the same face twice;
Sometimes a familiar shadow begs for home, but nowhere can I find it in myself.

Charon tries to take me there,
Everyday, he begs, he beseeches my presence;
Hard it is to dissuade, his voice crushes me with immense pressure.

In my most somber reflection.
I see my lifeless flesh spanning the pavement,
My cracked bones grasping sun, begging forgiveness.
The ultimate unholy contribution to a lost cause.

Everyday, the road of the dead is but a choice away;
Sometimes, I do struggle to say no.

kiramori: (Default)
I'm 22 today!!!


I've updated Albie's model and put her in THUG Pro so she can skate a bit.

These past few days have been busy, very busy. But i'm kinda glad on how things are going.

I'm working at a game project in college, i was invited after someone saw me modelling the pig i made some weeks ago.
Other than that, college's been rough, many projects at the same time and all of them crammed on the end of the semester.

My therapist took a day off and i was sick for most of the week, so i have spent a lot of my time home.


About my birthday, i'm turning 22 (wow) and i'm pretty happy overall. My grandma always makes me my favourite food on my birthday, so i'm sure i'll be eating good. Today i'll be testing starfinder 2e with some friends (it's been i while i've been wanting to play TTRPGs again, as a player of course, because i'm usually the only GM on the group). Later we made an effort to try and watch the minecraft movie (i'm sure it's bad but that's the fun of it).

As for gifts, i got a bunch of games from my friends.

My best friend got me a bunch of fishing games (she knows i love those), i also got Expedition 33 (french persona let's gooo) from my other friend and my uncle gave me Elden Ring Nightreign, i've been playing like crazy as i love soulslikes and particularly love rouguelikes.


Well, that's it for my birthday so far, i'm not much of a party person so i didn't plan anything but i always celebrate it with my immediate family at least. My mother planned a party with more family for tomorrow but i'm not to hot about it and plan to evade conversations as much as possible.

I also made a Tiramisu dessert but it didn't turn out too great, but it's been a while since i last made it so i didn't follow my usual procedure too closely. I take desserts very seriously since is one of my favourite hobbies (i even sold cakes at school some years ago) but this time i made it really quickly and it's kind of cathartic to make something without the usual constraints.

I think i might become too powerful if i learn to make desserts that quickly on the regular.

Anyways, i'm glad for today and it's only been half a day!

Will be back to posting regularly soon, as long as i have inspiration i can try to pump out a short story or two per month at the very least.

kiramori: (Default)

I'm feeling so strange, I never felt anything like this.

I'm chronically emotionally overwhelmed, everyday I feel a constant torrent of strange feelings and emotions that sometimes just straight up paralyze me. Whenever I lay to sleep, songs play out in my head and my body shakes with strange sensations. Not even in my dreams I'm safe from the assault my brain has been keeping up.

In my head there's the wish this would stop, but my soul knows something is up.

To say i've been a mess since Gura graduated is an understatement, her streams bring me so much confort and now I feel a sudden emptyness that's messing me up. Vocaloid songs hit me like a truck of nostalgia, i suddenly got hooked again on City Pop, it reminded me of such sweet times and i almost cry remembering times i went to the beach with my father as a child and we were all alone playing in the sand.

No longer i feel frustrated, i'm being kinder to others and to myself, it's like the flood gates of emotion opened in my heart and now it's pouring nonstop. Sometime ago i realized i'd be on the highest point of my life if i had a stable job, and that scares me so, so much.

I had to post this, because i'm putting up with so much just to function normally.

This nostalgia, the empty feeling, the fear but also the longing and constant sweet and sour, i'm feeling so much conflicting emotions. I feel such a exquisite sadness that it revived so many things i tought i had lost about myself.

It's giving me life again, in a way i feel glad.

kiramori: (Default)

When I was born, winter never stopped. Snow used to fall in clusters, crops would die soon after. Me and my family, we struggled; every day was a battle and things would never get easier, no matter how much luck we had in a year when not all of our crops would die before anything could be harvested.

My dad died when I was only twelve or so years old. People were sick all the time, especially those who left the villages to go hunting or fishing; my father was no exception. The priest said my father had a nasty jawbone infection, a disease he got from all the times he had to spare the better food for his children.

The village would rarely stay in one place. When our children started to become sick, we would move. The priest was the one responsible for our next settlement location, where we would head to and settle for the next five years if we were lucky, or less than that if things got rough again.

The winter one day stopped, and then came autumn. Orange leaves fell from the few trees we came across; they looked nice under the yellow skies. Things were looking better, but the priest soon got sick and a new priest was elected, an old, scrawny man, but very determined too. On his very first year, the new priest preached about our promised land, somewhere beyond the sooty clouds that plagued us, where the skies were blue and water would flow in rivers that glimmer and glow at night, how the manuscripts and murals depicted men foolish enough to reach our land, only to end sick and frail, for that was not their place.

This vision renewed hope for many, perhaps the last priest passing was divine work at play, how a new guiding light would now hover above us and guide us to where we belong; so, we prepared to move once again, and our pilgrimage began.

For days we walked beneath crumbling towers of old, our hurting feet passed half-buried skeletons that littered the road to our new home. The skies soon grew dark again, and they would every night. Many got sick from the journey, our numbers dwindled as we slept in the poorest of shelters, made in a rush to survive the night.

The closer we got to our destination, the harder things became. The birds no longer soared above, the sparse wildlife was quieter than ever, and nothing but rats and roaches populated the withering gray fields we passed. The earth was coarse and fractured, marking us with rashes and blisters; the skies cast clouds of soot and grime upon us, and the rivers carried a foul stench of death.

However, hope rose in the horizon as towering black tips pierced the skies and the strange trees cluttered our vision. The forest stood before us, as we gasped one after another, pressing march forward for our suffering should know no end. When I first set foot in between the trees, i felt a looming threat as i analyzed every log, every leafless branch, one more twisted than the other; all of them tightly packed, as impenetrable thorns blocked our path. With precise pathing and cunning maneuvering, we breached the black forest and kept our journey going, for our destiny lay beyond.

For the first time in my life, I saw impossibly high pillars of stone. Pristine, shiny metal poles neatly arranged around a perfectly smooth stony floor. This surely couldn't be anything else. All that suffering, the rashes, the blisters, the skin that peeled from my arms, the muscles I had strained and the bones that could not handle the interminable walking and flailing had finally paid off.

We settled, this time, for the last time. And within a year, only a handful of us remained.

Our children were the first to perish, then soon after, the priest. Our crops failed to grow no matter what weather we were in, and the water from the only river that passed there had a positively bitter taste to it. Beneath the stony floor we found only more stones. Our mules became sickly pale and no animal, not even the fish, dared to enter our promised land.

My body felt weaker with each passing day, and as I lay down one last time, I could not help but wonder —
whether we were really worthy of such a place.

Eu fiz o L

Apr. 30th, 2025 10:28 pm
kiramori: (Albie_6)

I don't even know how to begin this one, i'm pretty sure i got a big fat 0 on my test today and it is 100% my fault only.

Just couldn't bring myself to do anything today, it's my fault, i wasn't well prepared and my textbook had almost nothing in it to help me. I thought of cheating the test just so i could maybe do something, but i just gave up and took the L.

I don't know what happened, i just got this sudden depressive outburst today that crippled me for hours. Today wasn't even a bad day, it was really random. I've been feeling bad this week but i'm pretty sure it had to do with how much sugar i was eating, so i lowered my sugar intake and started feeling better, so much so i had some ice cream today.

Gym was great, i had a good talk with some friends then i ate a tasty sandwich. I finished most my work early so i ditched work to go play BG3 and tomorrow is a holiday too! So things are comically well and good for me and yet i just felt lethargic and had bad thoughts all around for hours and couldn't bring myself to study for the test.

I think about how my meds are decreasing steadly in the past 6 months, sometimes i wonder if that is right because sometimes i just feel like this.

I want to bury myself in a hole for a few hours, i'm really ashamed.

Awful stuff.

kiramori: (Default)
Hate made him cower, hate made him run;
But hate was no more, for a time of change had begun.

With his tiny hands he sculpted a new face,
One no one nor hate could ever faze.

The flowers he planted grew untouched, for the little man had done too much;
And bare he laid on his bed, with butterflies escaping his chest.

His weary eyes beheld a vision, the lorn houses he sadly missed;
Vermeil rain, a black sky, and twelve moons.
Home, as he called it, where the red flowers bloom.

Desire had robbed him so of much, his ailing breath escaped in a rush.
His feeble body was sunken, crumbling;
Now he was forsaken in his wailing slumber.

Godslayer could never be god;
No man could ever be what he is not.

In his stalwart pursuit, he tried;
In a maddening craze, he smiled.
To cast away everything he cherished,
Just as the old god, the little man soon perished.

kiramori: (pig)

Piglets are rotund, small-sized lifeforms rich in protein and affection. Their small brains make them poor choices for psychological counseling, but their therapeutic properties must not be overlooked. They thrive in their natural habitat: human households, where they hunt for snacks and belly rubs on a daily basis.

I was a bit bored at a very, very dull class at my college so i decided to model a little pig. I had to texture it home tho, since the pc i was using in college crashed every single time i opened blender materials tab. I just hate my OS classes, i had 3 different teachers in the span of half a semester and half of my classes were online using the god forsaken microsoft teams app (i feel like i don't express how much i hate microsoft in this journal), and they were on saturday too so i attended to two of them at most and did so while i played DDDA or HSR.

I kinda dislike the teacher the college settled with, he explains everything in very technical terms and he has a bit of a poor lecture. His slides are also, absolutely gigantic so it's very had to study them. I will have a exam tomorrow and i''m not really confident about it, he allowed us a single sheet of paper to use as annotation for the exam so now i must condense five hundred slides into one singular front and back paper sheet, it isn't even a blank papersheet since for some reason he wanted us to have the college logo in it so i'm losing space.

My semester is so cursed i'm not having energy to survive most classes, i'm barely awake most of the time at college, i'm drinking coffee again and even snuck a 3ds in my bag so i could play SMT IV to see if i could bear to listen to the whole lecture but it isn't working very well. I don't have a hard time learning something new so i am very laid back in my studies, but this time i'm a bit worried about my grades.

Despite that, and the fact i'm coming home from college 11 PM and having a single corn cob as nutriton most days, i'm okay. Decided to post something a bit more casual since i'm stuck in the college loop and can only manage to post once a week or so. I really appreciated the extended easter holiday, i've been home for 4 days straight barely doing anything other than play BG3 with my other three friends.

Easter was also really nice. My uncle gave me a very expensive pistachio chocolate egg, and i really appreciate it, but it made my dad a bit sad that he only managed to give me a bit of a cheap one, we are struggling a bit on money and these things are getting a little too expensive, but i did my best to show him i appreciated his gift and make he feel loved because i love my dad.

I think that's it for updates, my last short story was a bit of a experimental one, i really like existential horror and tried to bring something like it to my writing. I made that story based on some very cool sonifications NASA did of some of their telescope images, if you haven't seen yet, i think they’re worth checking out.

This is so eerie; I absolutely love it.

So to wrap this post up i will rank from best to worst my favourite states of matter as of april 2025:

1 - Dark Matter Condensate (Theoretical); 2 - Photonic Matter; 3 - Quasi-Time Crystal; 4 - Plasma; 5 - Gas; 6 - Liquid; 7 - Time Crystals; 8 - Neutron-Degenerate Matter; 9 - Electron-Degenerate Matter; 10 - Solid; 11 - Quark-Gluon Plasma; 12 - Quantum Spin Liquid; 13 - Superfluid; 14 - Supersolid; 15 - Supercritical Fluid; 16 - Bose-Einstein Condensate; 17 - Fermionic Condensate; 18 - Topological Matter; 19 - Rydberg Matter
kiramori: (Albie_3)
Mr. Robin awoke brazenly, as the man most times did. Lost in the gentle folds of the blanket, shaken by the birds that sang their melody, a stinging symphony that shook his brains every morning. His eyes paced rapidly across the room, to no avail of course, for the devil lay beyond his reach this time. Being blind in his left eye all of his life, Mr. Robin was used to the sensation of waking up feeling disoriented. Often, after some tiresome days and nights, dreams were hard to take apart from reality; but damned were the birds, for they too lived in his dreams.
 
A slow getup and a few steps, picking this up, putting that down. Mr. Robin had his routine down to a T. He had come to know the ins and outs of his own home and daily life, for he lived alone, away from distracting voices, as he thought — except, of course, for the birds. They sang their song every morning, and would sing for the rest of the day, until there came the crickets in the night. However, their melody was a lot more cohesive, a comforting hymn, a relaxing hum, this improbable white noise that Mr. Robin found himself looking forward to.
 
[...]
 
"Why do the birds sing, Mr. Robin?" — the little neighbor's daughter asked, just as Mr. Robin dared to take his first step outside, washing his face with a new layer of disdain so early in the morning. — "To attract mates. To reproduce." — the old man barked, annoyed.
 
"...I think they might do it for fun." — said the girl. It was unclear whether the simple act of engaging in the conversation was enough to get Mr. Robin on his bad side, or if the thought was simply too ludicrous to even pay mind. — "Oh, please! They are birds. Unwitted critters. Mindless. Useless." — the old lad barked again, insufferable as always. The very idea that atomic beings deprived of will could engage in holistic behaviour for the sake of it was preposterous, so he thought. Absolutely, undoubtedly absurd. Birds are simple-minded beings, exempt from the joys of living; but an argument can be made, for their brains create a rewarding response that encourages the singing behaviour. Simple as a dog learning tricks for food, or an algorithm that favors one thing over the other because it was trained to do so. No willful decisions, a mere hardwiring of the brain and an unchangeable script engraved in their very genetic coding.
 
Distancing himself from asinine people was a staple of Mr. Robin, for he was, in every sense of the word, an intellectual. A life's worth hinges on how much it can provide for society, and knowledge is certainly the root of every major contribution; so he thought. Mr. Robin's life was, by no means, easy. The man had had his highs and lows, being blinded in one eye was already a challenge on its own merit, but to build a successful career on top of it surely deserves commendation. The years had already rounded up and struck his body to the point of failure, muscles became weak, but the mind stayed sharp as ever. To every end, Mr. Robin is now retired, living his dream life. That is, despite every dream he's ever had being seemingly out of reach by now. Except for the birds, for they were a recurrent dream, and one that was very real at that. While his other, more pertinent dreams seemed ever distant, Mr. Robin found some glimmer of hope in his study — in his contribution, as he called it.
 
"The Eye" (the name was still a work in progress). He saw it in his dreams. A gigantic, cloudy grey eye, floating vastly inside the cosmos, impossibly distant; where no star ever shone, gazing tentatively upon existence — upon everything. Its unmoving glare beholds the very shaping of reality, everything that is and ever was.
 
The old man knew the eye was forever watching; if only he could behold such magnificent sights, he could learn everything — see everything. For the eye was bound to him by fate, he knew it! Why else would he be born without his left eye? Why would destiny force upon him such a cruel, tasteless joke?
 
He read the manuscripts, he flew over the world for them, paid a small fortune for them. They had it all — his tale, his fate — all written in stone far before he was even born. The only thing left was to enact his sacred mission. When he first beheld the eye, he was young, unwitted — but now he is old and wise. Now he is as close as ever to reaching his goal. So he gathered his tools, moved his hands with unyielding resolve, and shook his wrists wildly at the very first movement.
 
Pain. His vision went red, his throat sore instantly as a rasp, desperate scream engulfed the serene hymn of the crickets. Another movement — frail, weak, fearful. The first move was enough to shatter his resolve. The pain was desperately cruel. His methods were abhorrently crude, his technique unmistakably flawed. He pushed through. He had to push through. It was too late — there would be nothing left for him had he turned back. Cracked lips uttered a quiet, desperate prayer. Crooked hands vibrated erratically with fear and agony. Another move, another gush. Blood. Pain. Guttural screams and clanking of the flung metal hitting the ground. Knees bend, back arches. The thick, metallic smell was unforgiving — the numb sensation of liquid dripping across the face. He couldn't stop. Blind hands scoured the floor, defeated wails of desperation accompanied a sad, defeated face twisted in agony. The tools. He must've searched everywhere. They were nowhere — gone. If only he could see more than red. So he twisted his fingers. In a last, merciful motion, he ripped the dangling lump of gored flesh from his face — freed finally from his bloody shackles.
 
For the first time, he saw nothing. The endless depths of nothingness — for he was truly blind, as he always was.
 
For eons, his soul had cried out for his other half — alone, empty. He found comfort under himself, in his restless dreams, in the serene hymn of the drifting dust. Not anymore. Never would he feel alone again. Never would his dreams haunt his every day. Never would he drown in himself over and over again seeking his promised retribution. Never — NEVER — would he hear those hellish, damned birds ever again.
 
And so he opened his eyes — both of them — and he saw darkness. Cold, ever-approaching, unending darkness. And in an impossibly distant horizon — every light, every star, every drifting dust, the creation, the now, the forever and ever. And with it, the pristine galaxies, as they sang their celestial symphony, a dazzling, stinging cacophony that shook his brains.
 
And they never stopped singing.
They never would.
kiramori: (Albie_2)
I'm gonna make a diss track for the dolphins, they suck, too much free will. Someone has to put them in their places.

[...]

I'm frustrated, in every sense of the word, in every waking moment of my life. I feel a burning rage inside of me, i just can't put up with a nice face anymore.

I'm always regarded as the "Level-Headed" and the one who upholds their moral high ground until the end, but i just can't no more.

I'm thinking "I guess it's okay" until it's not okay no more, it's the clenching jaws around my neck that pin me to the bottom of the ocean, the earth-shaterring blows to my anima, the thousand hands hanging from my tail end, bloody nails forever gripping the sharp stones I come across.

PLEASE!!! Fall down from the skies. PLEASE!!! stir me up until i just can't see the same old tired face in the mirror anymore. I'm ACHING, BOILING OVER.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHRRRRHHHGHHHHHHHHHMMNNNNNNNMM

SAKDLJFKSLDGJSAFGKLÇHDFKJLSÇHDJKL NBADÇ~LFLHJKMA D~LÇAGJHÇKDNMAJKFNGJLkasndfgkOJSLDNGSLOJKG

;

These dimwits aren't even fish, but i must say i heavily forward the cetaceans, aside from those shlub morons.

Every bro is a cetacean, but not every cetacean is a bro, or something like that.

(As vezes eu sinto falta de como eu era no passado, pode ser que eu simplesmente era mais feliz, talvez as coisas que eram muito diferentes. De qualquer modo, eu me acostumei mal.)
kiramori: (Albie_6)
My heart is beating out of my chest, what do you mean you can't go with me? I gaze in awe, dazed. These eyes struck me in my soul, the slipstream carrying it to a higher plane of existence. I hear the unfathomable bells ring aloud and feel the alienating blinding dazzle, searing those letters you wrote etternaly inside.

I just can't take these feelings anymore, it's so overwhealming. My love, i just wish for you to flourish into a perfect bloom, but still, you are but a budding disaster. If only there was a way to genetically engineer your id and sistematically touch up your ego, i could've made you perfect. Added the misconception this would've actually made you better, not just destroyed everything that makes you interesting in the first place.

I miss things how they were before. You, indeed, are so unique, Darling. A celestial being made of the mundane, a spectral arrangement, a discordant choir, so improbable and flawed, wonderfully flawed.

I don't deserve this, I did everything I could. I slept on the way back, I promisse to hold you for dear life. Drama dampens the horrid illusions of the mind, for they are ephemeral, simple things. Deep are the dredges housing your sweet dreams, i promisse we will find them, okay?

And everytime I hear those songs it just hits me all over again. I am unable to provide whatever cost it may have, fire unleashed is not enough, but i shall not contempt, for i have flesh and bones. My blood will be the silver lining that ties our loose ends together.

This ethereal feeling, it's hard to explain. If summer could last for eternity, i would have it figured it out already — but to what end, you say? I just feel i would be the happiest if i ever found it out. Hope i had iron hardened beliefs could suffice for an enlightened mind, but it ultimately hinges on one's willingness to indulge in meddlings it abhors, for knowing is just that. 

So when i look up, the moon, the stars. Neither remind me of you.
I love you, so much. I should say i always will.
Long gone are the times these feeling bothered me.

Looking up, i just have this ethereal feeling, the same one i had before, the one that's hard to explain. In it, i dream.

At a beach, not a worry in the world.
The nostalgia of what could have been.
kiramori: (Albie_3)
I have this recurring dream.
Slumped, motionless,
Languished in the deep dark,
Enthralled by moving shapes.

And above me, a spark.
Behind me, standing guard,
A face that never grins—
A demeanor, cold and hard.

Anguish and desperation,
Misery and a piercing sensation.
Warm, flowing blood,
And a memory of someone.

Commandingly, they utter,
"Recite," they cast;
Yet I could only shudder,
For today may be my last.

[...]

Suddenly, I’m awoken,
Pain engraved in my bones.
The nightmare fades,
No more shadows—gone.

In despair, I stir
Trapped, motionless,
Languished in blinding lights,
Appalled by glaring eyes.

Beeping machines hum low,
A rhythm I’ve come to know.
The clinical smell stings,
A reminder of fragile things.

The room, annoyingly stark,
And beside me, standing guard,
A face that always grins—
In bedding, sterile and hard.

The spark, long faded.
"Smile," they cast;
Yet I can only wonder
Whether today will be my last.
kiramori: (Albie_2)
I got a telegram from home: “Mother deceased. Funeral tomorrow. Faithfully yours.”
That doesn’t mean anything. Maybe it was yesterday.

[...]

When one of my best friends from my bestest friend group chat said his mother was dead, he just stood there motionless. I, too, fell ill.

Every time I see something like this, I just wish I could stop time until every single person in the world could go right there, right now, and show their condolences — and not leave until the matter is properly settled, compensation is issued, and they just give like a big paid leave from work for anyone involved.

Yet the world doesn’t stop; it doesn’t even pay mind to it. Simple as “My mom died today. I’m sorry I couldn’t make up for all our fighting. I couldn’t not love you, for you are my mother.”

These words rang silently, and few even found space in their hurried afternoon to pay mind to them. For many, the song of sadness remains unsung.

[...]

I was hurrying home in a senseless rush. I was worried it might rain; I had college to attend and had forgotten to buy the damned milk carton that haunted me for the bigger part of the week.

Alienated in routine, my steps clapped loudly against the uneven, cold stone beneath my feet. That, I froze. Even though i didn't really froze, since i didn't have that much time to spare;

In a shadowy corner in broad daylight, I saw this pitiful figure. A man, prostrated on the ground, paper in hand, booze in the other, eyes covered by dirty forearms. Sobbing. A crying mess on the street floor.

I had nothing to do with it, and I didn’t do anything about it, of course. This man lives in another world entirely. How could a stranger in insufferable desperation threaten my peacefully rushed daily routine?

I walked home, for that I was required to. Yet, my day going forward was absolutely ruined.

I don’t know this man, nor what he was crying for. But I took his pain, just because no one else would.

And for that day, I refrained from enjoying the mindless struggle of daily life; I refrained from indulging in numb pleasure. And, of course, I forgot the milk.

I had to make a whole group project alone, then someone grabbed me and pulled me into an endless conversation about mind-numbing stuff. I was met with the rain on my way back home, so I stood in front of the door to my house, drenched, and had to stuff my clothes into a plastic bag before entering. The power was out, of course, so I had to take a cold bath.

Perhaps, had it been me on that cold stone floor, I wouldn’t feel so guilty about having this good of a life.

Before I went to bed, I looked outside and saw the moon. I gave it a faint smile. It was pretty.
kiramori: (Albie_6)

Each step I took amongst the curly-leafed forest reminded me of a time in long gone past where I would remove my pillow's stuffing in the middle of the night to make me a head-shaped hole. Good times.

The blue leaves brushed me with great abrasion as she told me she couldn't see, i wanted to hold her hand and show her the way but i kept quiet and laughed, i brushed off the brushing leaves and kept her in the dark. It felt good.

Each step I took reminded me the plants were a gift like no other, just like many others I gave in the past, and she lost herself in it, she asked me for it, it felt wrong. I wish I could say I was satisfied, but I was not. Still, I think she liked it; I hope she does.

It is hard to deal with simple minds that lack concept abstraction, I feel bad for them and wondered if I could feed them a part of my brain to make them see the world the way I did, but I could not find a tasty enough flavor of guache.

Sometimes I bake cakes to keep me awake and to remind people that I exist and can provide and can also be a little bit talented in a universal way even a worm could appreciate. No, I do not wish for my receipt, in fact, I regret being here, I want to go home.

Don't shine lights at my face, I am not a reflective surface, I'm a pitch dark abyss. Please respect my new celestial form. I also sparkle from time to time, but don't ask me for it, okay? Just pay attention and it will happen sometime, rude.

I speak 14 different languages, though 9 of them are dead and the other 5 I don't really understand.

Sometimes I think about being reincarnated as an animal and devise tier lists and meta reports to aid me in future decisions regarding this topic, but ultimately I would prefer to not be a carbon-based lifeform. I would happily chop your limbs off if you want me to, but please don't ask me to make scary faces, I don't like them.

Last time I cried, I thought about playing in the sun, but the sun burnt a hole through my skull, and now I can hear screaming coming from inside.

Humans should evolve failsafe ways to preserve emotion after death but i think it would be hindered by the bugs crawling beneath my skin and the constant taste of dirt. I imagine being cremated is the only way your body can experience hell so your soul wouldn't feel alone.

I still have all the blue she gave me some years ago, it is happily placed on my wall and I look at it from time to time, her favorite color was blue and mine yellow so she made the decision to give what she likes because this is how gifts work. Now i see myself doing it from time to time and it feels great actually.

There is no bad feeling when I'm painting, just the constant fearmongering that I am not doing enough to justify my ephemeral existence.

When I read what you wrote, I felt we have a lot in common. I sure hope we can meet someday.

Vermin

Feb. 1st, 2025 01:11 pm
kiramori: (Albie_3)

I do not believe we, as a species, should revel in the human power to kill.

Humanity does not wield a sacred sword that cleanses the land of the heretic scum; it wields a dull and clumsy serrated spear that pains its target and struggles to cull. Its reach just long enough for it to not feel personal and for the blood to not taint our white garbs. Or mostly so.

Yes, some lives weigh down on progress, and some souls are vile beyond saving. But to take a life is a burden no human should bear.

Not only does it taint the soul, for paint splatters when it hits the canvas, seeping into all that comes in contact. To claim such colorful lives, you are bound to be struck by the utmost art form — it taints and smears all over you.

But also, for the man was never given the right to kill, for we are all the same. No man holds dominion over another's life, and any semblance of power is just the delirious ego floating over one's head.

It is true, some lives are worth less alive than dead, but so are yours.

For the worms that gnaw on your flesh will prosper, the microbial life will toil, and the land will feast on your bodily image.

If a vermin finds more value in you dead than alive, should it have the power to claim your life?

And, if not — should we?

kiramori: (Albie_4)
Today her photos appeared on my phone, i tought i had deleted them for long, guess i had some sort of cloud backup i didn't know about.

I don't really miss her, i don't even think i'd want her to love me again, it's just that, these things make me think that sometime ago, in a not so very distant past, i felt something entirely different. 

[...]

I don't think of myself as an unlovable unloving uncaring person, quite the contrary, actually, i just don't let my feelings get ahold of me.

There was a day i was heartbroken, trying to help all the pain someone brought to me, but it is long gone.

It would be a disrespect to my grief to revive these feelings again.

I kinda wish we could talk about these feelings more often, i would love to resignify what someone means to me in a heartfelt friendly chatter under a cloudy afternoon red sky on some breezy place i like, but life isn't really like that most of the time.

I just can't hold hard feelings and when someone is outside my life so long, they start to lose meaning.

[...]

Anyway, i've deleted the photos again.

Was kinda hoping more would show up, but i know it was just a curious tought and not a longing for a time that isn't anymore.

There is no wrong choices in matters of love, as long you respect the person you are with, or in this case, was.

Hope to see her again sometime, i cherish my friends very much and would love to catch up.

Maybe we'll stumble somewhere someday, that would be nice.

I still got a lot of stuff to work on so, for now, i'll just rest.

Tainted

Jan. 22nd, 2025 10:21 pm
kiramori: (Albie_6)
I think the devil doesn't exist, but man has created him, he has created him in his own image and likeness.
 
[...]
 
Sometimes i wish I could accurately print feelings on a medium to communicate the complex chemical reactions that happen inside my brain; the greatest minds in our world achieved this very phenomenon with letters on a blank space, colorful strokes on a canvas, or even by the ephemeral waves of pressure that our ears perceive, yet I struggle; I suffer to show colors unseen.
 
How cruel it is.
 
Day by day I perceive every kind of suffering known to man; even when I'm not the target of such painful execution, it still burns me somehow. Deep inside, I felt the pulling of the societal strings of empathy, and they cut me lightly every time I gazed at such horror.
 
To think someone's else demise hurt me so little, but to account for every single suffering, I realize many cuts can make you bleed.
 
They hurt you, scar you, hang on your mind like limp signs that indicate something you are not totally exempt from in your coming years.
 
Such is the life we live, yet we strive to be hurt too. There's no way to make amends with the fact we will suffer, no way to escape the unending despair of existing; 
 
But I don't want to suffer; I don't want anyone to suffer. Peace can't be bought, and pain isn't a currency to begin with. Don't taint me with your truth about the world we live in, for I too bear the gaze of a madman.
 
Wield this suffering, hold it high above your chest, show it to the world. There is no way to atone for the calloused, severed hands that rained upon the damp, cold soil, so rejoice.
 
Graciously glide away and burn to ashes, for you are not fit for this world, for suffering is all we know.
 
[...]
 
I want to forgive. I want to embrace. I don’t want more suffering. And if the sufferings of children go to swell the sum of sufferings which was necessary to pay for truth, then I protest that the truth is not worth such a price.
kiramori: (Albie_5)
Funny little guys they are.

Oh my god what god awful day, i just want to CRY in a corner.

Spent the whole day trying to fix stuff that broke inside my computer, can't get it to start and based on the dreadful clicks of death my hard drive is making i'm sure i'll end up losing it. Great.

I'm just very, very frustrated right now. I can't take it and i'm sure this problem is going to haunt me for days. Great, just great.

I've already been feeling a bit left out by my friends recently, i image now that i can't do anything they are going to forget me forever.

Not really, but i am feeling sad. I haven't talked to anyone about these problems (except my father since he always helps me) because i feel everyone is being a bit mean to me these days.

I feel a loose but looming connection to my old bullied self and how i felt i had no one, just want to have some fun in my recess, not deal with bottled trauma, thank you very much.

In the end, i have my father, at least. My mother only kinda jokes about how i can't live a day without computer, but i literally can't since i work in it.

I just feel alone and i'm a bit depressed about this situation.

I wish to be an isopod that doesn't care about anything other than eating surprisingly nutritious patches of dirt.



That's me, i'm this thing.

Confused

Jan. 13th, 2025 02:05 pm
kiramori: (Default)

I'm adding random people that seem mildly interesting, i just want to populate my reading page so i have something to read every now and then.

I have a taste for poetry and all sorts of writing. Not a big fan of fanfics but some i do like. Also like reading daily posts/ramblings of people i don't know personally, i find it quite amusing to peer into other's peoples toughts in these types of posts.

I don't really lock my posts or anything and will befriend anyone who wants to, if you want to please do and i'll add you back.

I'm confused with dreamwidth, don't be mean to me.
 

Nothing

Jan. 13th, 2025 11:12 am
kiramori: (Albie_6)

There are creatures in this world that thrive on nothingness.

How can a being with life live without two hands and feet? How miserable it must be?

But life exists in a myriad of unusual mediums.

We uphold a human notion that despair, happiness, and peace exist for all things in our universe, but there are simply beings that are without shape or form — Things that live in nothing, a nihil state of meaninglessness.

Yet they exist and don't cease to; their meaning exists solely in their inaction, a thing for others to take advantage of, a food for thought, and a resource completely deprived of any value.

These nameless pillars build our very existence; in a cruel irony, we only are because of what they aren't.

I hope I don't ever become one of them; I wouldn't wish to exist as a shapeless, thoughtless, meaningless, formless, useless being.

Although I do imagine no one does, yet, there they are; something had to become nothing.

Perhaps every human is doomed to become a nameless star, or the mindless dust that drifts in silence.

Is it doom, fate, or mere happenstance? To become nothing;

Maybe it doesn't even have a name.

kiramori: (Albie_3)
I've been thinking about the things that make me happy, there's this feeling in the back of my mind that i'm not doing enough to achieve true hapiness and i'm idling about and wasting away as my days draw shorter.

Such a cruel feeling, to be slandered by the soul for living in relaxation, why does it feel so wrong to bask in the warm light? Is comfort the antithesis to success or is it a lie we tell ourselves to keep moving on?

I find it hard to motivate myself to live by the day, i blame all sorts of aspects of the inner, trying desperately to find my Achilles Heel, the one thing i can expurge and be freed from this curse, but there is none.

For long i thought the answer lies in my upbringing, how i shoud've been raised more disciplined, but does it really matter?

Shaping oneself is not a one man's duty, it is a process curated by the peers and acquaintances and ultimately designed by the one you are and the one you think you are, it is in the human nature to try and fit this process in a rational environment, but it is in it's essence chaotic and unpredictable.

Not to say humans are blind strokes in a canvas, but in a way, your current self is the most improbable form of art.

I think there's some beauty in that.

In the end, i forgive myself for not living up to my own expectations, maybe hapiness isn't the goal, but the means to an end.

I'll be trying to lift my head up high, but so far it hasn't been easy. Still, i just can't stop searching for a brighter place to lay myself in and sleep soundly without a worry in the world.

Maybe someday i'll manage, for now, i'll keep searching.

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