kira kira

To be a highroller one must know the sound of defeat
Pull the handle, feel the rush and the spike as you edge closer and closer to the closing of your casket
Heartbeats so loud they can crack a rib, sync it with the slots, feel it burn you inside out
There's no better bittersweet victory than the ones that hinge on the very being immaterial

Gamble, gamble, gamble.

My life is a gamble, I only wake up to check my fortune
If the stars won't align, I might won't live another day
A dopamine driven mania that can shoot you higher than the stars
A crumbling so sudden you can taste your blood pouring out
That's life, that's the BEST life.

No matter how hard I try, I can't predict a thing
Destiny equals surprise, it never fails, never wavers
So I must gamble, I must give meaning to this pitiful existence
Causality is king and it's the knife that will fall unto my heart

This luck is all to myself
I'm selfish, I'm the worst
They need it more, they deserve it more
But I win, and I win again, and I win
My curse, they envy my curse

It snaps back and it HURTS like hell
There's no rest for the likes of me
I'm a highroller, I'm insane
I'm stuck in a cycle, I can't escape

I don't want to gamble anymore
I wan't my life back
There's nothing left of it.

Perhaps, tomorrow luck will find me
And I can be happy for another day.

I'm a worthless piece of trash sometimes.

So... First post of the year, which is weird, because I promissed to post something at the new year's eve but my PC broke again. This time I had to swtich my motherboard. Along with having little to do in the meantime where my pc was getting fixed, I also had to work on-site so I can get money to fix it.

Honestly, I like working on-site. I like my coworkers, I like talking to people, but I'm feeling down lately for a buch of reasons.

First, the time I lost at which I could be working on my game project. I was planing to work on it in my free time but without PC I could only do some prep-work (and I didn't do shit honestly). Now I don't know how much time I have before I have to go back to uni.

Second, I had an online friend that I loved talking to, but she got a little upset at my absence (for like, not having a pc) and we aren't talking much. I feel like I fucked up but I did everything I could.

Third reason is gonna be omitted from this post because I don't want to humiliate myself any further.

Today I had a very rough day at work, I feel like I took the blame for a lot of stuff that wasn't really my fault and a lot of times it was rubbed in that I fucked up in a way or another. Then as I was gazing at the grey skies and the moving streets, someone from the office brought in a fucking dead coral snake.

Yes, I'm superstitious to no end. At the new year celebration I saw a moth hanging from the wall. Moths are omens of death, and since last year I was saying how worried I was about the well being of my grandma and my dog. So I took that as confirmation of what I was already thinking was gonna happen in this year. Now, death doesn't mean just physically dying, but I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be encountering a lot of deaths this year.

So, on that vein. Coral snakes are a very symbolic animal for me. They mean a lot and the odds of someone bringing a dead coral snake to my workplace while I was having a bad day at work are something to consider.

Anyway, the real reason I feel sad it's because I'm alone again. I struggle a lot with relationships and I constantly think about my exes, mostly how I would never want them to be with me again, but also how life felt when I was with someone. Honestly, I just want a kiss or a hug, and I met someone who reminds me a lot of those past relationships, so I feel a bit queasy around them. I like them a lot, honestly.

Something made me a bit mad today. I saw an ad where someone talked about how "Chat GPT works best with detailed prompts!!" and proceeded to say "but I hate typing them" and I sat there thinking to myself: Do people really think this is a normal line of thought? Then he proceeded to pitch his lame voice-to-text AI prompt writer justifying it by "I think best when I'm walking so I can use it to think of better prompts!!!". My brother in christ, if you can think better when you are walking, why do you even need the fucking thing to think for you in the first place.

Generative AI is the rotten apple that entices limited minds. People are using AI to fucking talk. They are using gen AI to come up with conversational topics with their boss. If you think this is normal then I can't imagine what it is like inside your mind. How can you be so dependent on a fucking glorified calculator. If all text gen AI died tomorrow a non-insignificant amount of people would simply just lose their jobs.

I'm not even that mad. It's just sad and disappointing, a bit dystopic too. I can stand gen AI when it's text generation because it's a niche that has never been fulfilled up until now, tho I absolutely draw the line at image and video generation and I don't think those should exist at all. You can't really give a single use case for those that is not scummy and don't cross any moral boundaries. Plus, I think the average user has absolutely, literally zero justifiable uses for image and video generation, that is unless you consider feeding your dead grandma photos to the singularity for it to animate her loving memory like a corpse puppet a justifiable use case.

I said I can stand text based gen AI, not that I like it entirely. Sure it's okay to use it but it has become many people's crutches and that's a bit depressing to see. When you don't think for yourself and don't speak for yourself, how much of you is you and how much is the mathematical average of the collective conciousness regarding that topic? As for ambiental damage, I think that newer models have pretty much the same impact as a few google searches, so it's not THAT bad, but that only applies to text based gen AI. I'm sure the models will have lesser impact on the future but only until they reach the monetary threshold where it stops being profitable to come up with greener solutions.

AI is also nearing it's critical mass. It can't really grow that much beyond what it already does and there's no need for it to do so. Sure, videos will get more real and by consequence living on the internet will become more dangerous by the second, but what else can AI do that it can't now? It can already scrape your whole digital footprint and generate digital carbon copy of you.

Transhumanists are some the most delusional people on the planet. You may think this ideology is crazy and no one would support it but rich tech guys like the amazon daddy, big zuck and the starship manchild really think we can transcend humanity and become one with them machines. I think that's really, really delusional but they seem to think moving money to reach that goal will actually lead somewhere. Anyways, that's beside the point.

I wish for a future where AI generations are regulated, feeding other people's image to it is a severe crime and all things you post are encripted against scraper bots that try to steal your info. That being the pipe dream but I don't think we are close to it right now.

Dead internet theory is dumb, it's not even a theory, it's just redditors doomposting. I hate when people mention it because it just makes zero sense in a fundamental level. Creativity will trully never die, but it will be harder to come by as it is engulfed by the vast majority of cheap content. You have to dig ever deeper to find people who are genuinely set on creating amazing things and that's sad, but be glad these people still are and will always be around.

I tend to stay very far from politics and taking a stance on these kind of topics but I trust everyone that read this is a grown up. Feel free to disagree with what was said but I'm not extending this debate further because this is mostly a vent post and not what I tend to use my journal for.

don't even get me started on AI music.

I wish a very DIE to all corporate worms.

ujkdhfdghdfj njhgh gkimgl msf a nakdslndf hn hgflnhm dfgh ngjm,. fjm/ fdg; dgfj;ggjl;;

I've been preparing for 2 whole weeks for this job interview. I memorized my pitch, my introduction, my speech, my motives, the questions, the answers and the gestures. Then I underslept in anxiety, woke up 4am and had to live through the suffering of waiting for the sun to rise.

Then the time came, I went to another city for the interview. The whole process took 5 hours. I stepped up, presented myself in a flawless flourish and with stomach churning anxiety, then I did group dynamics and that was it. I did everything right.

Then I went home and on the same day they say I did very well on the interview but they didn't have a need for IT people in the company.

so I just  kutýf rst t0-i5t7o0oo0 eaewior-4ik35op6k5el7çk6 çle 3lç k34k1123o-0 if-0sdgi9 gh9ugj=dhkgdgfljnkflç54 çad´f ´df [

seriously sometimes i wish to D̶͇͒İ̵̭̦̖̰̀̇E̴͓͇͓̗͂ 

That was really traumatizing stuff, I hate trying to get a job.

I'm so sick of corporate slop, all that "work as a team" talk, all the weird lingo they use to judge people. ughuhuguhuuuhuhugghughu someday im gonna eat 192949 pennies and jump into an MRI machine and it will not be funny (to the other people involved at least).

Anyways, thats about it.

My rabid wife, she ruined my life.
We were blessed with love so savory,
Our honeymoon was at the edge of a knife,
It smelled foul, and prone to injury.

What did it feel like?
When you tore my chest open,
Slashed my hands and left me to die,
Like a corpse, rotting and swollen.

I talk to you, I bite my tongue.
There's nothing ever fair in our exchange.
A broken rib, a pierced lung,
And a gouged eye as spare change.

I'm bloating our appetizing egos.
Let's spill our guts — blood for blood.
I'll spit the truth, even if it's gross,
If it's hard to swallow, then keep it shut.

I knew how broken you were.
and you showed me you know fear.
No more fangs, let's stich our wounds.
I'll give you a hand if you lend me an ear.

But we can't, you're so full of me.
I can see it in your eyes.
If I fell down to my knees.
Then my head would be your prize.

I know what makes your blood boil.
That you once had me at your fingertips.
When I tried to chew on you, you had a lot of nerve.
So, can you stop getting under my skin?

It's right under your nose.
Seriously — I didn't think you'd grow a spine.
Your skull is too thick for you to listen.
So just chop my head off and you'll be fine.

I tried to crack you open, talk you down.
You only care about your feast.
So I'll hang, and you'll drown.
We'll burn together in the belly of the beast.

You are such unrequited cuisine,
sloppily butchered, rancid meat.
I feel it in my bones — You are sour.
A heart so sweet to devour.

I never wished for a taste of you;
You made us to be so gory.
So let's put our sins on the scale
and see who can sell the best story.

Break a leg, dear.
Live your best gourmand fantasy.

So pure, immaculate; so toxic any who dare lay eyes upon it are not exempt from its holy persecution.

So, so high up above, so pretty like a gem.
Fragile, flaky core, crumbles to dust with a touch and does not forgive, does not forget.

How is it so perfect? Was it the poisonous worship or the sickly green shine in its skin?

The impure cannot compare, cannot fathom — neither do we deserve to. We are far from its graces.

It brings peace, salvation, love, and assurance, with a price so steep it's much too comfortable making you pay.

It's clear and odorless, and it also reeks of venom.

However tainted I might be, I much prefer the depths of your hells
than the hypocrisy of your salvation.

It's the anniversary of what could have been, and only I can choose how I deal with my grief.

It's 3 AM now, I should be sleeping.

Been searching for internet horror to pass the time and it's so funny the immediate sheer disappointment everytime I read the "a pale humanoid figure in the dark" bit.

Every. Single. Time.

I don't know if i'm spoiled or if internet horror is mostly slop now (maybe always has been).

I think i'm just searching the wrong places.