kira kira

Not really in a good place mentally, sometimes feeling I'm just one more bad day away from doing something that I'll surely regret.

I've been in a show, a super cool one. I've met some new indie bands and got to see some of my favourites. It was cool. However I think it highlighted how much of a social outcast I am. Ever since that, I've been struggling with socialization (I always did), and it's trully pushing me down into a hole thinking about that.

I'm tired, now very sick too, and overwhelmed as hell. I'm trying my best but I'm just so tired, so, so tired.

I'm sorry there's nothing smart, quirky or fun to say. I wish I could keep my online persona going for a bit longer.

To try and not be so negative, I can say that I've really enjoyed the time I got to spend with other people. The smallest conversations are bringing me genuine joy, even if they make me feel awful sometimes. There's much about me I'd wish to change right now, but if I can't do that, then I guess I'll have to just suck it up sometime soon.

Not now, though. For now, opening my eyes hurt. My throat is sore, my nose is runny and I feel weak.

Perhaps that is a problem for another time, another me.

Then I'll just leave it at that and, say my goodbyes to the me that's this sad piece of nothing.

When you next hear of me, I hope I'll already be someone different.

I'm feeling so strange, I never felt anything like this.

I'm chronically emotionally overwhelmed, everyday I feel a constant torrent of strange feelings and emotions that sometimes just straight up paralyze me. Whenever I lay to sleep, songs play out in my head and my body shakes with strange sensations. Not even in my dreams I'm safe from the assault my brain has been keeping up.

In my head there's the wish this would stop, but my soul knows something is up.

To say i've been a mess since Gura graduated is an understatement, her streams bring me so much confort and now I feel a sudden emptyness that's messing me up. Vocaloid songs hit me like a truck of nostalgia, i suddenly got hooked again on City Pop, it reminded me of such sweet times and i almost cry remembering times i went to the beach with my father as a child and we were all alone playing in the sand.

No longer i feel frustrated, i'm being kinder to others and to myself, it's like the flood gates of emotion opened in my heart and now it's pouring nonstop. Sometime ago i realized i'd be on the highest point of my life if i had a stable job, and that scares me so, so much.

I had to post this, because i'm putting up with so much just to function normally.

This nostalgia, the empty feeling, the fear but also the longing and constant sweet and sour, i'm feeling so much conflicting emotions. I feel such a exquisite sadness that it revived so many things i tought i had lost about myself.

It's giving me life again, in a way i feel glad.