My favourite place in hell
Dec. 21st, 2024 10:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kiramoriI've been thinking about the things that make me happy, there's this feeling in the back of my mind that i'm not doing enough to achieve true hapiness and i'm idling about and wasting away as my days draw shorter.
Such a cruel feeling, to be slandered by the soul for living in relaxation, why does it feel so wrong to bask in the warm light? Is comfort the antithesis to success or is it a lie we tell ourselves to keep moving on?
I find it hard to motivate myself to live by the day, i blame all sorts of aspects of the inner, trying desperately to find my Achilles Heel, the one thing i can expurge and be freed from this curse, but there is none.
For long i thought the answer lies in my upbringing, how i shoud've been raised more disciplined, but does it really matter?
Shaping oneself is not a one man's duty, it is a process curated by the peers and acquaintances and ultimately designed by the one you are and the one you think you are, it is in the human nature to try and fit this process in a rational environment, but it is in it's essence chaotic and unpredictable.
Not to say humans are blind strokes in a canvas, but in a way, your current self is the most improbable form of art.
I think there's some beauty in that.
In the end, i forgive myself for not living up to my own expectations, maybe hapiness isn't the goal, but the means to an end.
I'll be trying to lift my head up high, but so far it hasn't been easy. Still, i just can't stop searching for a brighter place to lay myself in and sleep soundly without a worry in the world.
Maybe someday i'll manage, for now, i'll keep searching.
Such a cruel feeling, to be slandered by the soul for living in relaxation, why does it feel so wrong to bask in the warm light? Is comfort the antithesis to success or is it a lie we tell ourselves to keep moving on?
I find it hard to motivate myself to live by the day, i blame all sorts of aspects of the inner, trying desperately to find my Achilles Heel, the one thing i can expurge and be freed from this curse, but there is none.
For long i thought the answer lies in my upbringing, how i shoud've been raised more disciplined, but does it really matter?
Shaping oneself is not a one man's duty, it is a process curated by the peers and acquaintances and ultimately designed by the one you are and the one you think you are, it is in the human nature to try and fit this process in a rational environment, but it is in it's essence chaotic and unpredictable.
Not to say humans are blind strokes in a canvas, but in a way, your current self is the most improbable form of art.
I think there's some beauty in that.
In the end, i forgive myself for not living up to my own expectations, maybe hapiness isn't the goal, but the means to an end.
I'll be trying to lift my head up high, but so far it hasn't been easy. Still, i just can't stop searching for a brighter place to lay myself in and sleep soundly without a worry in the world.
Maybe someday i'll manage, for now, i'll keep searching.
