This is this, that is that

My days have been... a little harsh.

I'm already tired of depending emotionally of other people, but not like I need them to feel better, more like I need them to know I'm not feeling good. I hate when that happens, but whenever I need to shutdown for a day or a week all my friends go out and about looking for me, calling me, asking me about when are we gonna play that game we play everyday. I know that I'm always present and that this kinda of thing means they enjoy my company, but sometimes it's just not the time, sometimes I just can't do it, as much as I'd like to.

I visited my grandma twice at the hospital last week. First time I was holding myself not to cry in front of her, second time, I brought some stuff to eat with her. We have an habit of taking the afternoon coffee break together everyday and I'm really missing that ever since she went to the hospital, so I figured I'd eat beside her hospital bed to keep her company.

It was rough, she was already hallucinating from all the medication and being bed ridden for days, it was really hard to see. I tried my best to be there for her. She was seeing things in a turned off TV and telling me about the cat she saw at the window (she's on the sixth floor of the hospital).

Yesterday it was notified to me that the doctor said there's not much that can be done for her. The doctor said that he didn't throw the towel just yet, but nothing short than a miracle could help. I had honestly a pretty tame reaction. I cried a bit every now and then, and I was pacing back and forth my house thinking about it, but It was quiet and I got to go on about my day normally. I worked at my job, worked at my game, I made minecraft skins for the SMP i'm playing, I worked on the RPG me and my friends are gonna play and I got two wins at pokemon champions. It was as normal of a day as it could get, except I didn't wanna talk to anyone. Perhaps working is how I cope with stuff.

I'm feeling down, but that's the extent of it. Maybe it's cuz I'm on the spectrum but I can't really feel all the sadness I wish I was feeling you know? I've already had a deep talk with my therapist about how it would affect me if my grandma never came off the hospital and honestly, I was talking from my heart at the time about how I don't really feel like she's going anywhere. I talked about how religion is beside the point, about how I don't need to know what comes after for her since here I know for a fact there's so much of her in me. My grandma saw me growing up every day of my life for 23 years, I haven't lived a day without her by my side. She's the one that made me into what I am and that ain't gonna change no matter how much time pass. Even if some day I forget her face, or the sound of her voice, I just can't be me without being a little bit of her.

Honestly, it was the first time I saw a therapist cry mid session.

I really like my therapist. I had a few different ones throught the years but she's the only one I trully feel confortable with and I feel like she talks to me as a human, not as a patient.

Anyways, my best friend came over to town and we had a picnic, I presented my friend from work to her and the two became instant friends. It was nice, we sang animals inside her car and then debated about how that's like the omegaverse theme song (what does adam levine mean by "I can smell your scent from miles"?).

Also, fun fact. I saw my ex from the last post while we were at the park doing a picnic, she was with her husband and her son. We didn't talk, I waved at the guy (He's one of my childhood friends, but that's another story) and he waved back, then they left.

I've spent the rest of my weekend playing library of ruina. I love that game, I love project moon, I'm addicted.

My grandma's birthday is on the 24th of this month, I really wish I can give her a hug. She's turning 83.